Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, someone leaves me a voice mail and tells me to call them back

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"

I'm not ordained but I can bless anything. Go ahead and sneeze.

Loneliness is called solitude when you enjoy it.

Who's the idiot that named them Monkey Bars? Do monkeys even drink?